The big news today was the Calvin Johnson, future Hall of Fame receiver, was probably retiring at age 30. With $16 million coming his way next season, he's basically telling the Lions "yeah, I'd rather not be in this environment anymore." Given that their last star retired early as well, that the team is always terrible, and that they have only ever made one Conference Championship game (which they lost by 30) since 1957, I think it's fair to ask if the Lions are cursed. Not just sports cursed. They're clearly sports cursed. I mean legitimately cursed.
I live in close proximity to Charles Island in Milford, Connecticut. It's one of the most cursed islands in the world, haunted by three of the most powerful curses in existence. It's got two cursed treasures and a desecrated Indian burial ground. Having walked these cursed sands and mingled with the phantoms and spirits that swirl around the island, I'm an expert in the occult, specifically curses. Dark spirits surround Ford Field, and using my expertise, I'll try and diagnose which demon's wrath the Lions have incurred. Let's start by going through the most powerful of curses and see if we can find what plagues the poor Lions.
Sports Curse: A number of things can cause a team to be cursed: when a team trades a legend, threatens the integrity of the game, angers Lil' B, anything, really. If something upsets the mojo of a team, it may lead to a curse situation. The Thunder, for example, may now be cursed. We're yet to find out. But still, the Lions go well beyond a sports curse. The Red Sox at least made the World Series a few times. The Cubs have had hope. Outside Barry Sanders, the Lions have had nothing. Sure, the Clippers haven't had much, but their ineptitude may go deeper than a simple sports curse. Bottom line, the recipe to beat a sports curse is easy enough: just get the right players and win the title. That will clearly never happen in Detroit, so let's move on.
Black Magic: Performed by a vengeful witch or warlock, a black magic curse is tough to shake. Anything could happen, be it just bad luck or the deaths of all you hold dear. If the Ford family ever crossed the wrong wizard, they may have picked up a curse along the way. But to kill everyone in the state of Michigan every weekend with each horrible Lions loss for nigh 60 years? No one person could cause such damage. So, barring a particularly petty secret warlock's guild that has it out for the Lions, I'm ruling this out.
Cursed Artifact: If anyone in the Lions organization happened to have a cursed artifact in their possession, then some of their impotence may be explained. The Hope Diamond is the most famous example, but there are plenty of cursed items scattered throughout the world. Anything taken from a burial site of any kind, a personal belonging of a particularly evil person, something chosen by Satan himself to be a vessel for his malevolent soul, almost anything can be a cursed artifact. And it's not so simple as just getting rid of it. You need a full seance to cleanse yourself of the curse. I'm assuming the Lions have considered this. So unless Martha Ford's necklace was dug up from Montezuma's grave and grants her eternal life, I'd assume there are no cursed items at play.
Ghosts: Now we're getting into the real problems. Because I'm not talking about run of the mill poltergeists or mischievous ghosts. I'm talking about murdered ghosts. I'm talking about blood everywhere, gruesomely murdered ghosts. The kind of ghosts that don't like the way they go out. Vengeful ghosts have ruined many an establishment. Haunted castles, haunted hotels, haunted manors, haunted asylums, ever met someone who came out alive? I haven't. Evil ghosts kill people that encroach on their territory. You can't just do an exorcism, either. To get rid of angry, bloodthirsty ghosts you need to find out what they want. The head of their murderer's descendants? The blood of someone who betrayed them? Their treasure returned (more on this momentarily)? Appease their wishes to send their souls to rest. There's a very real possibility that a Lions fan died on the job while building the Silverdome and haunted the stadium. But they switched stadiums and still suck. So it's probably not this.
Cursed Treasure: This is the second most powerful curse of all. A cursed treasure, be it pirate treasure (most common), an emperor's treasure, or the sacred treasure of an ancient civilization, cursed treasure is far more powerful than a mere cursed artifact. Take but one piece of the accursed gold and your life will fall to ruin. You won't necessarily turn into a living skeleton, but you will suffer. And suffer a lot. Madness, visions of horrifying specters, disease, death, and bad luck are just some of the side effects of disturbing the slumber of the hexed riches. You will never know pleasure or happiness again as long as the curse follows you. There are lots of reasons for a treasure to become cursed, but most of them boil down to the owner of the treasure not wanting his treasure disturbed. So while the curse itself is very powerful, most of them are simple to break: just return the treasure. Some of the more avaricious pirates and treasure hoarders may require you provide them with interest, as well. Like cursed artifacts, you'd have to be pretty thick not to realize that you have a piece of cursed treasure. I'm giving the Lions the benefit of the doubt here. They aren't the Browns, after all.
Indian Burial Ground: There's little doubt what the most powerful curse is. The history of Indian burial grounds is long and ghastly. Amityville Horror, Charles Island, the curse of Tippecanoe, the Clippers. Bad things happen when you mess with Indians. Very bad things. Impossible to defeat things. There are only two ways to break an Indian curse: either don't get cursed or die. There's nothing mortal humans can do break a curse from an Indian spirit. This is the most likely reason for the Lions' misfortune. The 1957 Lions must have upset some Native American spirits. Something that Lions team did triggered this curse, I'm guessing that the practice field was built over a burial ground. That is the only thing that can explain it. So, the only thing to do now is wait until everyone that worked for the team, played on the team, or paid to watch the team play dies. Sounds morbid, but it's the only solution. As long as some still survive that offended the powerful souls surrounding the franchise, the Lions will never be able to achieve much of anything.
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