This February, the world will celebrate the 20th anniversary of the release of Pokemon Red and Green in Japan. Once the games (Green became Blue) reached North America, the global phenomenon was launched. If you know anything about me, you know I'm a huge Pokemon guy. I've played every single version of the game extensively and consider myself a true master. It's one of two games (the other being NBA 2K) that I just know I'm better than you at. (I know what you're thinking, and yes, I did recently still live with my mom. Can't beat free rent.)
To celebrate their 20th anniversary, Pokemon will have a commercial during the Super Bowl. Once I saw this, the wheels started turning. The Super Bowl and Pokemon, while both are marketing machines, don't have much in common. But what if they did? What Pokemon would be good at football? I decided to combine two of my favorite things: Pokemon and overanalyzing NFL draft prospects.
So here's the top draft prospects as decided be me, the Mel Kiper of Pokemon. I did extensive film study and attended a lot of pro days while putting this big board together, and I'm confident pro teams will view this draft class the same way I do. If you disagree with my rankings, trust me, you're wrong. This only has the original 151 because, even though the games themselves get way better, you can't beat the original group of Pokemon.
1. Mewtwo (QB/FS)
Cam Newton. Ever heard of him? He's pretty good, right? That's what Mewtwo is. Big, strong, fast, a transcendent mind, and, as one of the few Pokemon with something resembling hands, the perfect quarterback for any offense. He's almost always the best athlete on the field, and his football acumen and dedication to preparation and proving critics wrong mean he can always get better. He has no ceiling.
2. Machoke (WR/TE/RB/QB/OLB/MLB/DE/DB)
The ultimate athlete. If Curt Hennig was a Pokemon who was pretending to be a football player, he'd be Machoke. Any position on the field, he can play and dominate. His best position on offense may be tight end, where he is an instant mismatch. Prime Vernon Davis crossed with Earl Campbell. Creative offensive coordinators will have no problems getting him the ball and watching him go. On defense, he can be a one man wrecking crew, capable of setting the edge or controlling the middle, either as linebacker or safety. A jack-of-all-trades sent from God to control football games, Machoke is the best second pick since Tony Mandarich.
3. Blastoise (OL)
Ask any coach: championships are won up front. Blastoise is the best offensive line prospect ever evaluated, able to play any position on the line. His smarts and game awareness make him the perfect center, his speed and strength and ideal guard, and his quick feet and length the ultimate tackle. No matter what spot he's playing, he's always a leader and coach on the field. He's the type of player who will be a captain from the moment he shows up as a rookie until his Hall of Fame enshrinement ceremony.
If Gronk had wings, he'd be Dragonite. A beast with a matchup advantage against anyone, Dragonite's size means he's always open. A guaranteed touchdown in the red zone, Dragonite will leave defenses scratching their heads and licking their wounds as they pick up the bodies he's left in his wake. On defense, he's a solid 3-4 defensive end, good against the run but not much of a pass rusher.
5. Golem (DT/C)
He's the defensive version of Blastoise. An immovable object in the middle of the defensive line, Golem can control a game without making a single tackle. His mammoth strength and lightning quick first step allow him to destroy offensive lines and opposing quarterbacks. He'll often occupy two or three blockers, freeing up his teammates to make plays. On offense, he's a true road grader who can make the most mundane running back an All-Pro. He's another rock solid leader (get it?), and isn't plagued by the character issues and poor decision making most rock-type Pokemon suffer from. He's a great cornerstone for a successful franchise.
6. Arcanine (DE)
When evaluating players, a key question is do you place more value a player who is good at everything and great at nothing or a player who is great at one thing and okay at everything else? When the singular skill is as good as Arcanine's pass rushing, the choice is easy. Arcanine won't do many things, but the one thing he does do he does better than anyone in this draft class. He's got only one goal every play: hit the quarterback. He led the college ranks in sacks the last two seasons, and though the evaluation process showed some serious flaws in his run defense, his pass rushing can totally take over a game. He has a nose for the ball and is always making big plays. He's a game changer on the edge of your defense.
The second quarterback on the board, Alakazam had the highest Wonderlic score ever measured. He has Alex Smith-level scrambling ability and can process the game instantaneously. He's got a decent arm, but his excellent accuracy more than compensates. A true film junkie, Alakazam can act as his own offensive coordinator. Has some durability issues.
If you don't see Rodney Harrison when you see Aerodactyl, then we aren't looking at the same thing. A true headhunting safety, Aerodactyl is known just as much for his late hits as his playmaking ability. He exemplifies rock-type players: dirty hits, big celebrations, and the ability to get it done when it matters. His range is unmatched, and his ball skills are far better than most strong safeties. He's comfortable in the box and loves stuffing the run or blitzing, and holds his teammates accountable. If you can handle the antics and poorly timed penalties, he can be the centerpiece of a dominant defense. As a receiver, he won't win games for you, but he'll move the chains. A good third option in the passing game.
9. Hitmonlee (QB/MLB/K)
The only kicker on the big board, Hitmonlee is the traditional strong armed qb. He's got a cannon for an arm and loves to go deep, which can get him in trouble sometimes. If he ever pulls it down and runs, tackle him early, because this long strider is gone if he hits the open field. Doesn't have the best pocket awareness, and can run himself into sacks sometimes. A rare quarterback/linebacker combo, Hitmonlee is a rangy 3-4 middle linebacker who racks up tackles and interceptions. Has a massive leg and can hit field goals from anywhere.
10. Charizard (TE/DE)
The most popular player in America rounds out the top 10. Though some undoubtedly wanted to see him a little higher, his poor combine performance and slight reputation as uncoachable hurt him a little. Still, his on-field production speaks for itself. Though not as dynamic as Dragonite, Charizard is a metronome of a tight end, cutting the defenses up the seam with a steady diet of 15 yard gains. He won't make you miss, but he'll run you over and he isn't afraid to block. Defensively, he looks more imposing than he actually is, and he often freelances and gets himself caught out of position. With the right coach, he can be a consistent All-Pro.
11. Charmeleon (WR/LB)
The prototypical number one receiver, Charmeleon is the perfect weapon to build a passing game around. With great hands and athleticism, he is capable of making the spectacular catch, but his route running ability usually means he doesn't have to since he's so open. He's got average speed, but that doesn't stop him from creating big plays, since he's a beast after the catch, and can go around or over defenders. On defense, he's best positioned as a 4-3 outside linebacker, where he can use his athletic ability to shut down entire halves of the field.
12. Mew (RB/CB)
Mew doesn't look like much, but he's a true difference maker on the field. He's a shadow on defense, raking as the best cover corner in the draft. His anticipation and ability to quickly diagnose plays makes it seem like he's in the opposing huddle at times. On the off chance he gets beat, his recovery speed and ball skills allow him to shut down any pass thrown his way. He's a shifty running back, probably best suited as a third down receiving back.
13. Pinsir (MLB)
In today's game, not many middle linebackers can rank this high. Just shows how skilled Pinsir is. He's best in a 4-3, where he can patrol the middle of the field, coming up to stop the run or dropping back, where he is an athletic, instinctual coverage man. He brings the wood every time and is the quarterback of the defense, reading plays and making adjustments. He doesn't really have a role on offense, but he never leaves the field on d.
14. Abra (WR/CB)
Underestimate Abra at your own risk. He's not the biggest guy, but he's the fastest and quickest player in this class. He's a devastating kick returner, flipping field position or taking it to the house every time he touches it. He's an ace route runner as well, befuddling defenders from either the slot or outside the numbers. You can try to keep him from going deep, but you'll fail. On the other side of the ball, he's a good cover corner who has a tendency to jump routes. He'll generate a lot of big plays, but he'll get beat a lot, too. His size produces obvious durability concerns.
15. Machamp (DE/DT/TE)
A top 5 talent with huge upside, Machamp's litany of off-the-field issues keep him this low. He essentially splits his time between being suspended and being eligible, but when he does play, watch out. With almost superhuman strength, Machamp is an absolutely dominant force on the defensive line. He can shed blockers at will, beat double and triple teams like nothing, and has mastered the art of batting passes down at the line of scrimmage. He racks up quarterback hits like a middle linebacker gets tackles. He's even a good tight end on offense, good at blocking and in space. But again, pick him at your own risk. In the right environment, he's the steal of the draft. In the wrong one, be prepared to crash and burn.
16. Nidoking (G/T/DE)
One of the most imposing looking prospects on the board, Nidoking's physicality is his greatest asset. As on offensive lineman, he mauls people in the run game. His pass protection footwork can be inconsistent at times, but he's strong enough to cover it up. He's a super aggressive defensive end, which can lead to him being caught offsides or out of position. Still, his penetration can kill an opponent's game plan.
17. Rhydon (T/DE/DT)
He looks like an identical clone of Nidoking, but Rhydon has his own skill set. Rhydon is a great run blocker and consistently good pass blocker. He has a good base and strong hands. He's a versatile defensive lineman, able to play 4-3 tackle or 3-4 end. He's not an explosive pass rusher, but he is good against the run. He's not an elite athlete, so he may not have much of a ceiling, but his floor is a Pro Bowl player.
18. Snorlax (DT/T)
The strength of this class is in the trenches, and Snorlax is yet another top line prospect. A massive space eater, Snorlax is a premier nose tackle. With the size and strength to be a defensive line unto himself, Snorlax rates as the best run defender on the board. He needs to be double teamed every play, if only because he's so much bigger than every offensive lineman. He's doesn't have the quickest feet, and has serious effort problems. With his size and strength, he's been able to get away with taking plays off against lesser competition, but he won't in the pros.
19. Tauros (OLB/DE)
There's a logjam of talent from 19-25 on the board, but in today's game, elite pass rushers get top priority. Tauros is relentless, going full speed every step he takes. Though he's a glorified situational pass rusher, Tauros can pack tons of production into limited snaps. Effort is a skill, and Tauros gives more than anyone. He's a bit of a hothead, and don't expect him to contribute much in any other facet of the game, but put Tauros on in passing downs and watch him go.
20. Golduck (WR/CB)
A great pro day puts Golduck ahead of top running back prospect Raichu. Golduck is a technician of a receiver who can break ankles with his route running. Though he doesn't have elite speed, he's very quick and can get in and out of his breaks in the blink of an eye. He's got great hands and always seems to get open on third down. With the ball in his hands, he can make defenders miss with ease. He's a solid cornerback, but his lack of athleticism will prevent him from shutdown status.
The prototypical number one receiver, Charmeleon is the perfect weapon to build a passing game around. With great hands and athleticism, he is capable of making the spectacular catch, but his route running ability usually means he doesn't have to since he's so open. He's got average speed, but that doesn't stop him from creating big plays, since he's a beast after the catch, and can go around or over defenders. On defense, he's best positioned as a 4-3 outside linebacker, where he can use his athletic ability to shut down entire halves of the field.
Mew doesn't look like much, but he's a true difference maker on the field. He's a shadow on defense, raking as the best cover corner in the draft. His anticipation and ability to quickly diagnose plays makes it seem like he's in the opposing huddle at times. On the off chance he gets beat, his recovery speed and ball skills allow him to shut down any pass thrown his way. He's a shifty running back, probably best suited as a third down receiving back.
In today's game, not many middle linebackers can rank this high. Just shows how skilled Pinsir is. He's best in a 4-3, where he can patrol the middle of the field, coming up to stop the run or dropping back, where he is an athletic, instinctual coverage man. He brings the wood every time and is the quarterback of the defense, reading plays and making adjustments. He doesn't really have a role on offense, but he never leaves the field on d.
Underestimate Abra at your own risk. He's not the biggest guy, but he's the fastest and quickest player in this class. He's a devastating kick returner, flipping field position or taking it to the house every time he touches it. He's an ace route runner as well, befuddling defenders from either the slot or outside the numbers. You can try to keep him from going deep, but you'll fail. On the other side of the ball, he's a good cover corner who has a tendency to jump routes. He'll generate a lot of big plays, but he'll get beat a lot, too. His size produces obvious durability concerns.
A top 5 talent with huge upside, Machamp's litany of off-the-field issues keep him this low. He essentially splits his time between being suspended and being eligible, but when he does play, watch out. With almost superhuman strength, Machamp is an absolutely dominant force on the defensive line. He can shed blockers at will, beat double and triple teams like nothing, and has mastered the art of batting passes down at the line of scrimmage. He racks up quarterback hits like a middle linebacker gets tackles. He's even a good tight end on offense, good at blocking and in space. But again, pick him at your own risk. In the right environment, he's the steal of the draft. In the wrong one, be prepared to crash and burn.
One of the most imposing looking prospects on the board, Nidoking's physicality is his greatest asset. As on offensive lineman, he mauls people in the run game. His pass protection footwork can be inconsistent at times, but he's strong enough to cover it up. He's a super aggressive defensive end, which can lead to him being caught offsides or out of position. Still, his penetration can kill an opponent's game plan.
He looks like an identical clone of Nidoking, but Rhydon has his own skill set. Rhydon is a great run blocker and consistently good pass blocker. He has a good base and strong hands. He's a versatile defensive lineman, able to play 4-3 tackle or 3-4 end. He's not an explosive pass rusher, but he is good against the run. He's not an elite athlete, so he may not have much of a ceiling, but his floor is a Pro Bowl player.
The strength of this class is in the trenches, and Snorlax is yet another top line prospect. A massive space eater, Snorlax is a premier nose tackle. With the size and strength to be a defensive line unto himself, Snorlax rates as the best run defender on the board. He needs to be double teamed every play, if only because he's so much bigger than every offensive lineman. He's doesn't have the quickest feet, and has serious effort problems. With his size and strength, he's been able to get away with taking plays off against lesser competition, but he won't in the pros.
There's a logjam of talent from 19-25 on the board, but in today's game, elite pass rushers get top priority. Tauros is relentless, going full speed every step he takes. Though he's a glorified situational pass rusher, Tauros can pack tons of production into limited snaps. Effort is a skill, and Tauros gives more than anyone. He's a bit of a hothead, and don't expect him to contribute much in any other facet of the game, but put Tauros on in passing downs and watch him go.
A great pro day puts Golduck ahead of top running back prospect Raichu. Golduck is a technician of a receiver who can break ankles with his route running. Though he doesn't have elite speed, he's very quick and can get in and out of his breaks in the blink of an eye. He's got great hands and always seems to get open on third down. With the ball in his hands, he can make defenders miss with ease. He's a solid cornerback, but his lack of athleticism will prevent him from shutdown status.
I think I'll stop here before this goes too far off the rails. I will neither confirm nor deny that I have a big board ranking all 721 Pokemon. (At what point do you become so uncool you become cool again? I think I'm rapidly approaching that. I swear I've talked to a girl before.)
