Looking at the 2016 Oscar Nominations

The morning of January 14th, the noble Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences released the full nomination list for this year's Oscars. Along with last weekend's Golden Globes, this means award season is now in full force. Which, as everyone knows, is a beautiful thing.

The Oscars are the only movie award show whose results actually mean anything, so let's take a look at some of the categories and break them down. Keep in mind I haven't seen like half of these movies.

BEST PICTURE

Spotlight: This was just a really good movie. Hard to swallow, being the (formerly) devout Catholic that I am, but really good nonetheless. Slam-dunk nomination.

The Revenant: Badass. Only word that really comes to mind. Vintage cinematography from Emmanuel Lubezki if you care about that sort of thing. I'll save my joke about the bear being robbed for the best supporting actor section. I know you'll be holding your breath.

                 

Room: I dunno. Never saw it.

Brooklyn: Literally could not tell you one thing about this movie.

Bridge of Spies: Actually really liked this movie. Good Cold War thriller.

  

The Martian: This movie was awesome, despite the glaring scientific inaccuracies. I mean (spoiler alert) Sean Bean's character survived the whole movie! How are we supposed to believe that? Have some respect for the audience's intelligence.

Mad Max: This was a sweet movie, but I'm a little surprised it gets a best picture nom. Must be the work of the big water companies that control Hollywood. These agendas make me sick.

The Big Short: To be honest, I never saw it. But I really wanted to, so it's almost like I saw it, right?

PICK TO WIN: Spotlight

BEST ACTOR

Bryan Cranston, Trumbo: Biggest mistake he ever made was spelling his name with a y. Unforgivable crime in my eyes.

Leo, The Revenant: Is this the year something finally goes his way? I hope so. Guy has had absolutely no luck in life.

Mike Fassbender, Steve Jobs: So are we, like, just gonna completely ignore the Ashton Kutcher movie? It only came out a year ago. Just seems weird. Anyway, been a fan ever since I saw him naked in Shame saw his chiseled abs in 300.

Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl: So what's this guy's deal? Does he only do roles he knows will get him to the Oscars? I mean it's fine he does. But he's one Forrest Gump remake away from becoming sort of obnoxious.

Matt Damon, The Martian: Hell yeah. I'm a huge Matt Damon guy. One of my all time favorites. This still doesn't match his groundbreaking work in Team America, though.

PICK TO WIN: DiCaprio

BEST ACTRESS

Brie Larson, Room: If you read the best picture section, you already know I didn't see this movie. But, and this is a big but here, I have heard people that know what they're talking about say she was really good. So, yeah. I'm practically an expert.

Cate Blanchett, Carol: Yeah, I didn't see this one either. But I've had a weird crush on her ever since my impressionable young eyes saw the grace and elegance of Galadriel in Lord of the Rings.

Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn: This section isn't good news for my reputation as a cinematic connoisseur.

Jennifer Lawrence, Joy: The J.J. Watt of acting. Blessed with otherworldly and dominant talent. Cursed with the fakest, most annoying personality of all time. At least they go viral all the time.

Charlotte Ramplin, 45 Years: This is her 45 years ago. If she still looked like this, I'm sure I would have more inclined to see this movie.

PICK TO WIN: Brie Larson

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies: He was really good. Understated and powerful while playing the feel-good role of a filthy, godless, Soviet spy.

Sly Stallone, Creed: I'm assuming the Academy thinks this makes up for snubbing him for Over the Top, but they couldn't be more wrong. He was great and more proof that anyone can get nominated for an Oscar by playing a fighter's trainer. (Side note: What's up with Creed getting the shaft? That movie was awesome and got almost no nominations. Ask anyone with a brain if they liked Creed or The Danish Girl more and there's only one answer.)

Tom Hardy, Revenant: Tom Hardy is awesome. If you disagree, you're wrong. Personally thought he might have been better than Leo.

Mark Ruffalo, Spotlight: Even though he was great, I'll take this as a nomination for the whole cast. Everyone was really good.

Christian Bale, Big Short: The other nominees better hope he never catches them wearing hockey pads.

BONUS SNUB- The Bear, Revenant: The scene with him and Leo was almost unbearable to watch. (I never said it was a good joke)

PICK TO WIN: Hardy

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Jennifer Jason Leigh, Hateful Eight: Talk about a movie getting screwed. I thought it was awesome, but I guess people have a problem when directors protest the police? Kind of weird, but whatever.

Alicia Vikander, Danish Girl: I'm gonna pretend this was for Ex Machina, because that movie was awesome and she was great in it. I also think she's really pretty, but I'm not sure if you're allowed to say that on the internet anymore.

Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs: I'm a big Kate Winselt fan. That's about all I got.

Rachel McAdams, Spotlight: She, like everyone in this movie, was great. Now, if only current McAdams could go back in time and tell young McAdams True Detective season 2 would suck.

Rooney Mara, Carol: I got nothing. If you're starting to think I'm unqualified to be writing this, you're probably right.

PICK TO WIN: Vikander

Does anyone really care about the rest? I mean besides sound mixing obviously, but that's Mad Max's race to lose. Inside Out for best screenplay. Inarritu for best director. The rest is kind of whatever. I'd say it'll be a fun show with Chris Rock hosting, but it isn't 1994 anymore, so who knows. All I know is all my picks are sure to be correct.